Horse barns, boarding facilities, training facilities, and horse shows are filled with…women. Sure, in the Western horse world, and even outside of the United States, a large percentage of men make up the equestrian population, but in the US at Hunter, Jumper, Dressage, Eventing, and “pleasure” barns – women rule the roost.
The gender dichotomy among American horse owners and riders is a whole different article, but what about those males peripherally involved in horses; the husbands, boyfriends, partners, or significant others?
On average, most of those guys could give a crap about horses. No interest at all.
Why is that?
Usually, most non-horse people don’t understand the huge financial and time commitment that comes with horseback riding. When a serious relationship begins, horses and riding comes up casually. Then there is the staple response from the non-horsey person, “Oh, yeah, I’ve ridden horses before”. Sure, Bub, what on a guided trail ride? Please! In the beginning, the interest shown by the (then) potential significant other is genuine but confused of the importance horses play in the woman’s life.
Most women don’t even bring a suitor to the barn until finances mix. Why bother? They won’t understand, they will be bored, and most importantly, the barn is sacred! Who wants to singe the barn with personal relationships that may come and go, when the horse is here to stay?
Once that relationship does end up being “serious” and “long-term”, most often, there still isn’t much of an interest from the non-horse half to get involved in the equestrian part of life. Financially, there must be some interest I would think; maybe even just the question, “Why is so much money poured into the horse every month?” Also, the time spent riding, at the barn, showing, taking lessons, and maybe even just talking about horses can cause jealously towards the horse.
Usually it’s just because the man doesn’t understand.
And the female-horse bond isn’t all that easy to explain, either. When someone asks, “Why do you ride horses?” I often have to think about it. Horses and riding are something that only another horse person and rider can fully comprehend. In all honesty, I think the majority of horse people use horses as therapy. It’s a great escape from the “real world”. Horseback riding is challenging no matter how long you have done it; and conquering that challenge is quite therapeutic. Not to mention the relationship you form with your equine friend – the level of communication involved in horseback riding is complex. And rewarding. And exciting.
I have seen many a women try to get their significant other involved with horses, but it never seems to work out. Think about it though, how intimidated would you be if your significant other was involved in an activity in which mere proximity to the subject brings danger. Horses freak people out, and as equestrians know, for good reason. Jumping right into being around horses can be scary, and for people that don’t know horses, suddenly standing by one (or many) can bring about high anxiety. Through no fault of their own, many a husband is most unwilling to submit themselves to situations in which their “woman” is totally in control and comfortable while their big, strong, manliness is taken into question. A good guy would find the woman’s prowess in the face of danger endearing, but when it comes to danger avoidance skills and confidence, many guys don’t want to feel insecure (even if they aren’t meatheads).
Then there’s the poop. I know, it seems silly, but think about it; horses crap a lot, they fart a lot too. For someone who hasn’t been on a farm before, out of the city, or just doesn’t have much experience with animals, the horse is a big hurdle. Having a significant other, whom maybe has never actually stepped in a pile of manure, realize these “apples” are really not that big of a deal, can be…well…a big deal. It’s funny, really, especially because with a sport/hobby dominated by women, horses are dirty and you probably won’t get more experience with excrement or mammalian gas than working with and around horses. That significant other with no horse experience is going to find the horse excrement portion intimidating, distracting, often gross, and sometimes, humorous.
Then of course there is the social aspect of horseback riding. Sometimes a guy doesn’t exactly fit into the barn’s social scene; especially when it is dominated by women who don’t involve their significant others. To the outsider, even if it’s just a friend (never-mind the boyfriend or hubby), a bunch of horse talk can make them feel out of place. Horse people speak their own language; there are words heard in a barn not found anywhere else, or at least not with the same meaning. Here are some examples of confusing horse vocabulary:
- Withers
- Colic
- Windpuff
- Proud Flesh
- Heaves
- Green
- Frog
- Equitation
- Founder
- Navicular
- Cribbing
- Dapples
- Fleabitten
- Irons
- Surcingle
- Lounging
- Chestnut (not the color!)
So we have established that horses are confusing, intimidating, dirty, and basically, foreign to an outsider. But why not invite your significant other into that world? Obviously, horses are important to you; wouldn’t you want your husband involved?
I ask that question a lot, and about 70% of the time, the response, is lead by big, strong, gut wrenching laughter. Oh yeah, I guess I forget that many people have dysfunctional relationships and the horse operates as a perfect escape from that terrible, annoying significant other. Or, in some of the more “hoity toity” barns, the women don’t understand WHY they would have their husbands involved in horses beyond, well, paying for them.
“That’s just silly; of course he is interested in my horseback riding. Why do you think he just paid $125,000 for my new horse?”
True, some husbands finance their wife’s horse hobby to keep them out of their hair.
Occasionally, you might run into a husband who rides. What? Yeah, I mean, well, of course he got roped (guilted) into getting a horse all for himself. You know, so they could spend more quality time with each other. The husband had gone out to the barn twice a week, the wife wanted more, his “excuse” was that if he had his own horse it would be more fun. Well, happy birthday! He got a horse. “Gulp”, yep now he either has to come clean or commit to spending lots of time out at the barn. Rarely does that work for the best.
Then there are married women who’s spouses also have a time consuming hobby as well, so they just each do their own things. Coordinate the barn with his hobby time. This makes sense, but wouldn’t important moments in each persons’ “hobby” be a time of participation? Maybe it’s the first horse show, or the first time jumping, or the new horse; how about having the husband/boyfriend around at least for observance?
Sometimes a horse woman might have the casual, horse show husband. The ones that show up at the horse shows only to have their asses kissed by the trainers (knowing they are an influential part of the horse bill approval process). Of course they don’t want to help, and there’s a good chance they won’t even figure out what ring their wife is riding in. But the horse shows brings beer, wine, and food. Plus a chance to mingle with other horse show husbands who could care less about the sport!
And what about the husbands of Hunter riders who really like to come to the shows and watch the Jumpers, but can barely keep their eyes open for the hunter round? What happens then? To save her from once again trying to explain the “point” of the Hunter class and why the horses just go around in circles, the husband is just no longer invited.
I wonder about the actual numbers of involved horseback rider second-halves who don’t ride, but actually enjoy being out at the barn and especially love watching their wives ride. I have seen very few men who’ve embraced the horse and barn through the passion of their wives, and the ones I have seen are very cool.
The most recent horse-husband I met actually got his wife into horses over 40 years ago. She used to ride Hunter/Jumper; because of her age, she has moved into Dressage, though not competitive. He hasn’t missed one of her lessons (twice a week) since 1965 and genuinely loves to watch his wife ride. How amazing is that? Dedication, from both the wife as a rider and the husband as a fantastic supporter.
It sure would be nice to see more significant others on the sidelines cheering their partners on in the ring. Or some just even showing up to watch a hack.
Spouses have a lot to learn from each other when delving into the passions and goals of their partner. Being married with horses is an interesting predicament: horses are such strange territory for most people, and most often, even the bonds of marriage sit out of this passionate hobby, sport, or profession.
And as equestrians, we all know horseback riding, in any capacity, is unique.
Thing is, for both equestrian, spouse, and sometimes, even the animal, being married with horses is an equally unique experience as well.
I recently ended my 2 year relationship with my live in boyfriend over my horse. He hated my horse, hated all the time i spent at the barn. He hated that I would rather be witn Tinc and my barn girls then with him. Men just dont get this bond with horses.
One of my tests when I was dating in highschool and college was to bring my beau to the barn to meet my horse “friday” at the time. Friday was my man, my love, and most importantly my life! If they were geeked out by me kissing fridays muzzle and the way i was with him, i sent the guy packing. I decided recently that when i start dating again each and every man will meet my horse to make sure they get that horses are #1 and always will be!
I’m never going to have a horse show hubby, or barn hubby i simply dont want them at the barn, that is MY place!
I loved this article!!!! Perfect!
This is a great article! It is definitely a dilemma I’ve faced many times. I have often wondered what I will do when I find a partner. I know that, in my family, whenever a woman “settles down” with one person they tend to quit riding. I know that, for me, I would sooner quit breathing than quit riding. Once upon a time, I had a partner whom I had met at the barn and who also rode herself–it was pretty awesome because we could always be there for each other whether it was critiquing each others’ rides, fixing things around the barn, or sharing chores. The relationship eventually ended and I haven’t really brought someone I’m seeing to the barn since. Usually most girls I date say things like “you ride? that’s so cool!” or “I would love to meet your horse”. Most women don’t fully understand that “meeting my horse” involves a 4-hour ordeal–driving to the barn, stopping at the feed store, watching me tack up and untack, watching me ride, and being introduced to the barn folk. In all honesty, once I mention all the time involved, most girls back out. Also, I’m a different person at the barn than I am in the city where I live. My whole life I have always ridden way out in the country and lived in the inner city. So I just sort of split myself. I have met a lot of riders who are the same way.
Some day, I want to have a farm and live in the country. Unfortunately, the number of SANE lesbian women who want to have a farming life is very small–so small that I’m yet to meet one of them. I also want to adopt or foster kids someday–kids with autism. My assumption is that a woman who wants to live on a farm, loves horses, loves dogs, and loves kids with autism and also loves me won’t come along. So I’ll never have to worry
GOOD ARTICLE! my husband is from Germany and grew up riding/owning warmbloods ….the issue is he has no time, he likes horses and is a good rider but feels he would rather do his thing. and im perfectly fine with this because BARN TIME is MY TIME! not to mention i ride allot harder than he does so he gets nervous when i take off FULL SPEED!!!hehehehe.
My husband’s argument is that I failed to fully disclose my level of committment during our “dating” period, i.e. I had my head in my (uh, the clouds)and riding was something I was doing part-time at that time anyway. I had leased something to event and rode friend’s horses. 2 years later we were married, pregnant and I had just competed at the Cap Challenge in adult am jumpers. I purchased a “resale” horse and began teaching/training full-time the moment it became possible after the birth of my son. My poor husband had NO clue what he was getting into. I ALWAYS knew horses would again become the center of my life- it has been for most of it so far and I have no intention of lessening the regularity or intensity from here on out. I think he’s finally accepted this but I have to foot the bill all the way to keep things in a happy place. BTW, he’s very open about having no interest in horses, horse people or the barn. He will occassionally come out w/ me and play w/ our son while I ride. He’ll come to shows now and then. I’m happy to keep this to myself. It is, has been, will always be my escape- 100 degree heat index/ridiculous humidity and all. If I had it to do again- I’d consider the big picture and definitely make my crazy, obsessed horse life more apparent.
I too loved this article! Men just don’t get it, and I personally believe that can’t. Even a man with his dog, and the depth of emotion there is nothing like the COMMITMENT that’s required of us horse owners.
My man is always pissed I’m at the barn, but God bless him, he pays for it. Only because our son competes, that’s right SON competes hunter/jumper. I’m proud to be raising a HORSE MAN! He’s only 13, and has been riding for four years, so this forces his dad to be present at his shows. He’s miserable the whole time, pissed he has to drive so far, that it takes Thursday to Sunday (trashing the weekend) for him at least. Nope, never get it.
The one thing he does get is COMPETITION. Since riding is our son’s only sport, he was pretty much forced to buy show horse. (Little did he know the sales price was the cheap part, hahaha) Still he complains about the time my son “wastes” at the barn. “He needs more of a social life!” “He needs other boys!” Blah blah blah
Being a horseperson makes you a good person by default. My son’s learned responsibility, commitment, and what it takes to take care of something that relies on you completely. He wouldn’t have learned that at a skateboard park.
And I’ve never seen a group of kid’s who are obviously high, drunk, or stoned around any barn either. So it would be a dream come true to have a man that could even quit complaining, and leave us the time we need for riding. Alas, it’s only that…a dream.
This article is very very true in every way haha. You never fully understand why we ride horses until you get your first horse, attend your first show and fall off. It’s the blood sweat and tears that makes it good. Oh and the thearaputic part, read “The Tao of Equus” book (off amazon) it is great and includes many reasons why women love horses.
I totally agree with this article. My partner of over three years will someday help to foot the bill, and has taken an active interest. He’s a medical resident, and finds the ‘vet’ aspect of horse care really interesting. The first time I had him out to watch me take a lesson, he was really interested in how to pick out hooves, whether it hurt them, etc, and even volunteered to pick one out himself. Golf is his thing, so I don’t anticipate him coming out to ride anytime soon, but its really nice to have the support. I’ve dated others who belittled the sport (as a non-sport) and didn’t understand my devotion to my horse. It’s hard to make others understand how riding gets under your skin.
My future husband is not a horse person and I do worry that the financial aspect of it will become a problem at some point. We both have our own hobbies (he fishes) and we support & accept that WE don’t always have to do things together. I don’t need him to be involved w/ horses because it’s MY thing. He doesn’t get “it” and never will and that’s ok. He does like watching the jumpers/crosscountry and doesn’t understand how I can watch an hour of horses riding the same dressage test…hahaha.
HaHa! Loved this article. When I first started riding with my trainer she told me, “You are going to have to find a guy who is interested in horses, otherwise it won’t work.” I kind of looked at her funny but 10 years later (and a few non-horsey boyfriends later), I am married to a man who grew up around horses his whole life. Although he isn’t a big fan of hanging around the barn all day, he does entertain me by coming to some of my shows.
Great article!
Seems to me that we men are the minority so I had to comment.
It’s true I was introduced to riding by my girlfriend but it was me that asked if I could come to the bard and It was me that asked if I could learn to ride. After many a lesson I now have my own horse and I want to ride as often as she does. She always told me that the horse thing was hard to catch but catch it I have. I know many of the girls are glad to not have their significant other at the barn with them but I’m lucky in that my girlfriend encourages me to ride and I’m often there without her. We both love trail rides together and letting the horses race each other though she invariably wins being the better rider and having a faster horse. I often watch her ride in awe of her ability and knowing the skill it takes to ride as she does fully appreciate her love for her time on her horse and hopefully I too can achieve the same with mine.
I may be one of a very few but I’m glad I get to ride too.
Ok I have to comment too – Lowell is my significant other and while I really enjoyed the article and have been on that side of the “fence” I’m glad he likes it as much as I do… I’m truly the lucky one as he is one of those rare men who can fit into that “female dominated” world (granted we ride at a western barn where there are a few other guys around but we both prefer english…). B’sides, before he got his own horse to ride, we all loved having “Coco the stable boy” to help us pick up poo!
My wife’s obsession with her horses/training/barn/shows/spending/culture is ruining our marriage. I am a nonhorse person/ horsehusband who has gone out of his way to learn, spend time at the barn and lessons and shows and just be all around supportive. Well, every good deed has its punishment. Since I was so supportive one horse wasn’t enough now it’s two. So the priorities of the home and the marriage are a distant second to the horses. I’m not joking, if I was a horse I would have a five course meal waiting for me every night when I get home from work with a two hour full-body massage with a happy ending waiting for me at the end of the day. When my wife isn’t at the barn she talking about horses on the phone or she’s watching horse training videos or reading horse magazines. Give an inch/take a universe. I know you all like to joke about this but it’s a serious issue.
Todd, I’m very sorry to hear about your predicament. I’ll say one horse is never enough for a horse person, but that doesn’t actually mean we usually get a second horse. Sounds like your wife might be a tad bit spoiled. There are definitely some women who go to the barn to get away from their spouses/family. That usually occurs when the husband isn’t supportive, the husband is busy doing his own thing and/OR the relationship isn’t so hot.
Of course we are only hearing your side, but I would suggest putting your foot down and since you have been supportive maybe it’s time to go the other direction.
Just my two cents.
Todd you want to marry me? Geewiz I had to get a second job just to justify the expense of my riding. I got back into it after me and my husband were married and he was fine with it as long as it didn’t cut into our own plans and the only way to do that was to bring in some extra income. Sounds like your wife needs a reality check.
Like the other person said: You could start riding, get better than her. That would really piss her off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Todd,
I am a self acknowledge horse obsessive wife. Most of my weekends are spent doing horse-related activities or watching horse related activities. While my husband, like you, is supportive, and he even rides and has his own horse. The horses are not his life like they are for me. I know this, did it stop me from dragging him to nearly every horse competition I was riding in? Nope.
But these days I’m a little wiser. Yes my husband still goes to the competitions with me, he even volunteers to do the photos and videos. But I give back to him as well. I try to schedule weekends doing things he wants to do, ie NASCAR, motorcycle rides(I don’t ride, but he does and I drive the chase car), four wheeler rides, ect. I also try, not always succeeding in getting dinner done so we can eat before I ride. Doesn’t work in the winter with the short daylight but we try.
Maybe you could talk to your wife about fair play. If you go to a competition with her, maybe she can give up one weekend of horsey stuff to go do something non-horse related that you want to do. Maybe a couple of days a week, you can eat dinner together before she goes off to the barn. Talk to her about it, tell her how you feel, and try to offer compromises so that she doesn’t feel you are demanding she give up her horse-life, but that you married her, not the horses, and would like to spend time with her not doing horsey things, because it sounds like you might feel not exactly excluded from her life, but maybe forgotten sometimes?
Talk to her.
Todd, don’t try to swim against the tide. Learn to ride.
Great minds think alike. I just posted on the same subject. Must be something in the air.
http://rodneyssaga.wordpress.com/2012/05/01/husband-training/
Funny, the first time I looked at the date, I swear I read April 22, 2012. Oops. Take out my “something in the air” comment and substitute something witty about being perennial.
I have to agree with Todd . I have never met such a selfish hobby. I’ve tried the supportive route – spiritually, emotionally, physically and most of all financially.
Give an inch and take the universe – Todd is right there.
To not contribute to a home , hide and lie about money .
I’m sure all horse lovers will now try and apportion some blame my way – but enough is enough.
How can you force love ones to accept financial ruin just to enable you to horse companionship.
Folks come on, a balanced hobby makes for a balanced relationship – fellow horse partner widows need support to and not put downs.
Hey Spen,
I don’t think it’s the hobby or the horse. It sounds like both you and Todd found some bad seeds. I won’t argue with you, the vast majority of women that are involved in this sport are actually awful people. However not all of them are.
There are plenty of women that I have known that didn’t ride horses, but managed to lie, hide money, and virtually bankrupt their family from shopping for clothing, purse obsessions, shoe addictions…among other things.
So the sport isn’t to blame, it’s Todd’s wife, your wife (partner, girlfriend…), and the many other selfish people in this world.
I’m sorry that your views on horses and this hobby/sport have been so tainted.
Most interesting. But it is the complete opposite in my family, I am the equestrian and my wife is AMAZING a tower of strength and such a support in my passion for what I love doing. Am interested to know from others where the man is the rider too. I would say we should all encourage and support each other in what we love doing. At FEI level the majority of riders are men and I wonder how it works there? I know in show jumping 86 out of the top 100 in the world are male riders. Some men I think get a bad reputation for being just rosette junkies but I am not like that and I totally adore my animals and am committed rain or shine to give them so much love and the very best of care
I have been married for over twenty years and both my husband and I have had fairly expensive hobbies off and on. We have raced bicycles with a racing club. The hubby has raced go-karts. Currently we do historical reenactment with our kids and I own a horse, primarily for the use of our older daughter and myself. My husband has learned to ride as well. At our house, we enjoy our horse and do some local shows. We make our horse fit our budget and are lucky to have a trainer that supports us in this.
What both Todd and Spen describe I’ve seen in every hobby we’ve done. So, I can tell you it’s not the hobby, it’s the person. If it wasn’t horses, it would be really expensive shoes or purses (like my second cousin), golf clubs/golf weekends (second cousin’s husband), nights at the bar (my brother’s ex-wife), clothes (same brother’s said ex-wife), etc. I was pretty saddened by the fact that it was so easy to find these people in my own family. You don’t have to look far; there’s lots of them out there.
The remedy? I’d try counseling if I were either of you. Good luck.
Hi, my ex girlfriend recently ended our relationship after 12 months. She is an avid lover of horses and is a fine equestrian rider. I love watching her ride, well I used to. Anyhow, the termination of our then relationship was made by her, via text…Her reasoning was that there had been reproaches from me about her horses.
I always was immensely supportive of her involvement with her horses. I would watch her at shows, talk with her about horses, and I quite enjoyed something different in my life. I would buy her horse magazines and buy an expensive bottle of champagne when she would come second. Whatever place she came, I would always support her.
However, I did not understand how you can max credit cards out in order to finance her involvement and not think about herself, fail to eat etc.. Not want to spend any time with me, but rather with other like minded horse people.
Anyhow, the thing is, although the relationship has ended, I do miss her and even miss the horse talk, and of course sharing with her. It has been an eye opener, that’s for sure.
I’m sorry for your experience David. That’s a terrible story, but as I said before, it’s not the sport. People can be awful, selfish, and careless with or without horses in the picture.
Sounds like maybe it wouldn’t hurt for you to take up the sport. You seemed to enjoy the horses. Why not? It would be nice to have more men involved in the sport outside of the upper levels of competition.
I once went out with a horse lover she had 3 kids and spent more time with her 3 horses than them. She would quite happily dump her kids on her mum for hours on end. Selfish look after your kids first not your horses
I must say I found your article and the comments very very interesting. I came here to fine Answers and to figure out if it was just me that felt this way about horses and my wife in general with horses. I must say that after reading this and many other articles on the internet, it makes me sad to know that an animal that stinks and walks on its own feces has more respect to some than a human being which I’m talking about a man. some of you can word it however you feel like,call it your hobby call it your sport your therapy call it whatever you feel is right, the fact is when a person places their hobby/sport first before their loved ones, it becomes an obsession which is not a healthy thing.when I first met my wife she was never into horses, oh wait I forgot she put it on hold she was young and got mixed up with the wrong crowd. Now that we are married she is back into her horse days,I can’t tell you the number of times I felt cheated by her every time she would buy a horse behind my back. But I guess that’s what I get for not being a supportive husband she felt the need to hide things from me fearing the worst specially that we did not have the money to be doing this. but of course what do I know about life, horses and bonding and all that other crap. Before I go I’ll leave you with this, this thing I that I like to call a virus is a bigger problem than some of you woman living in lala land think. I know I’m the minority here, so let me save some of you the time by saying yes I already know you think I’m an a****** you think I’m a loser and you may think I have no life, but for those who know where I’m coming from I know you’ll understand! goodbye everyone.