Say NO to Your Horse Trainer. Say No to Dysfunctional Relationships.
I don’t know if it’s because the majority of horse people are women, or if it’s just the environment, but I cannot believe the amount of dysfunctional relationships I have seen between trainers and their “students”.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been there myself. I remember as a child having an incredibly dysfunctional relationship with my trainer. Downright abusive. But, I was a kid and didn’t necessarily have options. I just wanted to ride, and the abuse was worth it.
Why can’t more people say “no” to their horse trainer?
But as an adult, I have found myself in a few circumstances where I knew I shouldn’t be where I was, yet I had some unhealthy loyalty to where I was. After coming to terms with dysfunctional horse trainer relationships I’ve had, I broke the pattern of training dysfunction and since have always done what is right for me and my horse(s).
When it comes to horses, many people are not in control of their own money. Most trainees aren’t in control of their choices. Trainers may provide instruction, but they shouldn’t be controling.
Why can’t most people say NO to their horse trainer?
If your trainer asks if you are taking your horse to a horse show, you can say “no”. It’s okay. If your trainer tells you the vet is coming to inject your horse’s hocks and you aren’t comfortable with it, you can ask to talk to the vet yourself. If your trainer tells you to put your horse in training and you don’t want to, you can say “no”. If your trainer tells you to sell your horse and buy a new one, you can say “no”, and then you should leave your barn.
Do you really think your horse trainer has your best interest at hand? Really? I’m not saying that trainers are evil. Some trainers, very, very, very few, are worth mentoring. But remember, when it comes to horses, it’s your money, and most importantly, YOUR “hobby”.
If you don’t like showing – don’t. If you love your horse – even if it isn’t the best fit for you or even if your horse isn’t doing well at horse shows – you don’t have to sell your horse just because the trainer says so. Before you listen to everything your trainer tells you to do, ask yourself if you know what you want out of riding. Once you really figure out your horse riding goals, tell your trainer. If your trainer doesn’t treat you the same because you aren’t spending as much money, MOVE YOUR HORSE SOMEWHERE ELSE.
Your trainer should not spend all your horse money. It’s your horse, and it’s your money.
You do realize if you are at a training barn and the trainer spends LOTS of time on you, it it’s directly related to how much money you are spending. That isn’t a cut on trainers. They are making a living, and their time costs money.
But don’t trap yourself in a professional horse training relationship that isn’t healthy. Be upfront with your horse riding goals. If it’s showing, not showing, social interaction, peaceful solitude, exercise, learning, relaxation, anger release, whatever it is, be vocal with your trainer. If you end up wanting an authority on horses (one who has more knowledge than yourself) to help you with your equine partner, make sure you pick a trainer that is best for you, your horse, and your pocketbook.
So many people end up getting burned out on horses, and they often cite a trainer that MADE them spend all this money on showing or buying new horses, new tack, supplements, etc, but in the end, they never actually told the trainer “no”. It is up to you make sure you get what you want out of riding, the barn, and most importantly, your trainer.
Break the cycle and be honest and open with yourself and your trainer. Be strong and realize that you may not be as popular if you don’t spend as much money. If being popular is your goal in riding, then by all means, keep writing bigger and bigger checks every month! As long as you know what you want, don’t be a victim of your inability to communicate your wants. When it comes to trainers and horses, you are the customer.
Related Citizen Horse Articles
-Are Horse Shows Right For You?
-Leaving a Barn: The 30 Day Notice
-Clicker Training: Horses Are Not Dogs (or Dolphins)
Nice writing style. Looking forward to reading more from you.
AHHH, i can say no and will especially if something we are doing is not feeling right, and im being pushed to hard…….after all riding is susposed to be FUN for both myself and my horse!
When I first learned how to ride, it was on a ranch with a bunch of bonafide cowboys and cowgirls who basically taught me the bare basics of riding and turned me loose. That was the first 12 years of my riding experience. Sure, I got hurt beyond belief but I had loads of fun and learned how to STAY ON–it may not have looked pretty, but my riding was functional and effective for what I was doing (which was rodeo). THEN, at 14 I went to boarding school and EVERYTHING changed. I took with me a 12-year-old Arab mare from the ranch who was the only horse I ever had who had been in an english saddle. I showed up and said “I want to jump. Show me how”–much the way I would tell the cowboys “teach me how to rope that cow.” I was confident, strong, and secure. Within 2 months of being in “training” at boarding school, everything changed. My mare was sold and replaced with a 16.2h TB gelding and I was convinced that I didn’t know how to ride at all. I was afraid to even get on my horse without my trainer’s approval. I learned how to ask timidly for things instead of demanding them and my parents were being bullied into forking over obscene amounts of money on charges neither they nor I knew everything about.
Fast forward about 10 years and I’m back to the mindset I had when I went away at 14. I decided about halfway through college that trainers weren’t for me and decided to rely on myself and a trusted friend with a video camera as my guide. I’ve progressed farther in my riding than I ever did when I was “in training”. I have learned that most trainers are more concerned with how good I look on a horse than how effective I am when I ride. I have taught myself that effective jumping riding doesn’t mean throwing out everything I learned on the ranch–but combining what I learned as a child with what I was programmed to do as an adolescent. To this day, I have been through 14 trainers. Of those, only one of them was someone I could truly say had my best interests at heart and really wanted to see me achieve my goals.
Nowadays, when I meet young girls who want to start riding, I always go with them to meet their new trainers. Of the 12 people I rode with in boarding school, I am the only one who still rides. Bad trainers burn kids out on riding before they have a chance to shine.
Man, I am on a soapbox now. I also have little respect for trainers who don’t ride half the horses they teach people to ride on. I don’t understand how someone can teach me how to ride a horse if they themselves haven’t ridden the horse yet! I know some trainers have so many clients that they say they can’t possibly ride all of their clients’ horses–but I don’t really think that’s true. I’m not saying that they should ride them everyday, but I think they should get on once or twice before barking at their clients to do the same thing over and over again when the client doesn’t feel it works. If I were a trainer, I would ride every horse before trying to teach someone else to do it. I just think every horse is different and you don’t really know until you sit on them.
I don’t know about other people, but sometimes I just don’t understand what’s being asked of me until I see it done. Yelling the same thing at me over and over again is not going to get me to understand it better. Clinics are the worst–people pay hundreds of dollars to go into a ring and get screamed at by a stranger for 2 days. That seems like a waste of money to me. I could get a job making that same amount of money for getting screamed at for 2 days. If I was giving a clinic, I would guarantee that people learn something or they get their money back. Which is probably why I don’t train people or give clinics!
Saying “NO” to a trainer is one of the single hardest things for an amateur rider to do. It took me a long time to realize “hey, it’s my money and my horses!” and then even longer to tell my trainer “NO MORE”. LOL
I think the lack of natural talent in the average amateur rider, the lack of time and knowledge of the average amateur rider all play important roles in being able to stand up to a trainer.
Amateurs rely on their trainers to make important decisions regarding their riding, their horses training, their purchasing and selling of horses, and their showing. All of those decisions directly relate to the trainers paycheck and shame on them for taking advantage of us!
I can ride, but there are far more talented riders out there. In many ways, my trainers kept me down, making me THINK I needed them more than I did. Not that I didn’t need lessons, or even help with a horse, but I didn’t need them to help me decide what shows to go to, how high me or my horse should be jumping, or that I needed to sell my horse.
I actually got kicked out of a barn once because the trainer was mad that I went to a clinic without asking her first! Now thats a control freak!!!
FANTASTIC article! Very similar to a situation of mine, however it wasn’t over many of the same things you described, more over personal controll over my life than my wallet, although most of it was through my wallet…
I learned how to ride at a casual lesson barn, and over time the barn owner became more of a family friend… (sort of) of course when I was 12 and had no life aside from horses, so I would be at the barn religously every weekend and every day I could when there wasn’t school. I would be mucking stalls, cleaning tack, feeding, tidying everything, and of course riding. I learned a lot from this trainer for the 5 and a bit years I was there, including how to say no, although that took me a long time to do…
Because I was there so often and knew all the routine and chores by the time I was about 15, I started farm sitting for her when she went anywhere. Farmsitting is what paid for my horse, and we made a verbal agreement that I could keep him there for free in exchange for farmsitting when she went away anywhere.
Then suddenly, EVERYTHING revolved around her. It was like she owned me. there wasn’t enough work to pay off the board each month, and instead of allowing me to find a job working a few days a week to pay whatever board didn’t get worked off, she DEMANDED that I was there EVERY DAY, and because she was there every day anyway and all I could do was help HER throw hay in the evenings, because she was THERE she would say she didn’t actually need me and wouldn’t take it off my board, but if I skipped a Friday now and again all hell broke lose and she would guilt trip me saying “you owe me x dollars for board so you have to be here!”
I had no life, lost some good old friends, and was miserable. If I hung out with a friend for a day, she would gossip to everyone that I was becoming a high-school whore and sleeping around and all the crap lots of teens do, and she even said and I quote: “I won’t be suprised if she comes here and says hey I’m pregnant!”
I hated going to the barn, because she treated me like I was her property. I even hated riding when she was there because I couldn’t afford lessons and she would constantly bitch about my supposedly “bad” riding habits that weren’t bad habits [yelling that my hands were wrong while my horse was having a bucking fit and spooking, etc...]
Hell even if I moved my outside leg behind the girth to ask for a canter she would say legs too far back, or if I asked a horse to bend around my inside leg at the girth she would scream your legs are too forward!!
and even the other riders said that I sat just the same if not BETTER than her other pupils, yet she felt the need to bitch at me constantly, even when she wasn’t WATCHING me ride just to be authoritive and put me down. she actually had her back turned once when she said my hands are wrong or something; she just bitched at me to make herself look profesional to a bunch of kids at a riding camp.
and yet she never corrected or bitched at her other paying students who were about the same level as I was… I stopped learning anything about riding from her after about 3 years except that I was apparantly a “sloppy” rider like she repeatedly nagged at me for yet would never give suggestions on how to improve. Yet I picked up some ribbons at the local shows and even got comments and still do today that I sit quite gracefully in the saddle.
Needless to say, that’s how it was for my last two or three years there. When I finally had enough and suggested moving my horse, she wanted me to have him moved by the next day and give her the money I owed as well as next month’s board, making it over $800 I had to come up with in less than a day. If she didn’t have her money, she would sieze the horse and sue in small claims court.
So of course that forced me to stay, but I was so miserable, I couldn’t even sell the horse back because she said I had to have the money to her in full before he left the property, so I felt trapped.
When she went for a visit to a friend in England, I called up the previous owner of my horse and learned my rights as a minor. By law, I had no legal or financial bounds to her, because I didn’t even sign the boarding agreement, it was still in the previous owner’s name, and I was still oweing a bit of money on the horse at the time and she still had the papers, meaning he was still technically her’s and she could do as she liked with him. If the barn owner had the balls to do anything about us moving him behind her back, she would have to go through the ex-owner first.
we moved the horse. Barn owner was livid, obviously, but I told her I would continue to farmsit until every penny was paid off and that’s what I did.
My ordeal was a bit different and more personal, but still if I ever encounter a barn owner, trainer etc that pushes my limits (with anything!!) ever again, I’m saying “NO” and if they have a problem with it, F**K ‘em, I’ll move my horse at the drop of a hat into my back yard if I have to. I’m not going on a stupid emotional roller coaster ride like that ever again.
I’ve also learned to get a bloody photocopy of the boarding agreement and learn it by heart, and learn my rights so I know my circumstances in full and won’t be taken advantage of like that again…
The horse world is full of bat-shit crazies, but we can learn a lot from them in more ways than we think I guess. No means no!! hahaha
Its really hard to say no to my trainer since she is like a 2nd mom to me and i am best friends with her 2 sons. & She is intimidating.
My horse had moldy hay and my trainer told me to leave if I didn’t like the care my horse was getting. Small town+no boarding options=i had no choice but to stay. Thankfully the hay is better now but I sure gave her am the hay supplier hell for a while. I’m 14 my parents are so non-horsepeople its not even funny. Standing up to my trainer is terrifying, you would have to meet her to know but she is also really kind and lets allows me to have lessons without spending my life savings.